If there’s one emotion that’s tough to deal with, it’s anger. Growing up, many of us learn that expressing it means we’re “problematic” or “mean.” But anger is not a character flaw. It’s an important messenger that shows up when you’re violated, hurt, or wronged.
As a psychologist and emotions-focused therapist with over 20 years of experience, I’ve seen how people’s relationship with anger influences how they approach it.
Those who avoid the emotion tend to feel stuck and powerless. Those who befriend their anger can make good use of its message. When handled wisely, anger helps you deal with conflict, make sound choices, and stand up for yourself.
Here are five ways emotionally savvy people work with their anger:
1. They name their anger instead of suppressing it
Most of us suppress our anger occasionally. For example, if your partner angers you at a party, you might bite your tongue until you get home.
Burying your anger over and over, however, can hurt your mental health. It’s associated with irritability, guilt, reduced life satisfaction, and depression.
Emotionally savvy people don’t let suppression become the norm. Instead, they name their anger, a process known as “affect labeling.” Naming your anger validates its existence. It also calms down the limbic system of the brain, which takes the edge off sharp feelings.
2. They don’t act out their anger, they talk about it
Insults. Door slams. Yelling. These are a few ways anger gets “acted out” in hurtful ways. Emotionally intelligent people don’t unleash their rage like this. They use anger as an instrument, not a weapon.
Anger is meant to protect us, which is why it pops up when someone disrespects you, spills your secrets, or crosses a boundary.
Handling anger sensibly means communicating with words instead of actions. Yet the fear of being disliked, misunderstood, or blamed might make it challenging to express yourself. If anger was off limits when you were growing up, or shown in scary ways, staying silent can feel safer than speaking up.
Here are two ways to start a conversation:
“I’d like to talk with you about something that upset me…””This is hard for me to say because I care about you. I felt angry when…”
3. They take responsibility for their anger
Those who own their anger don’t blame it on others. Instead, they take responsibility. Use two questions to guide you:
“What is out of my control?” “What is within my control?”
You can’t force someone to apologize or make anyone change. And pouring your energy into a lost cause can make frustration and negative feelings fester.
What’s in your power is how you handle your anger. Even small steps make a difference. Taking a few deep belly breaths instills calm. Talking or texting with a friend helps blow off steam. Going for a walk in nature helps lower cortisol levels and unwind stress.
Focusing on what you can do helps you feel more empowered and confident.
4. They turn anger into advocacy
Historically, anger has fueled societal change and efforts to support those in need. In other words, anger can motivate advocacy, volunteering, and activism.
Let your anger inspire you by identifying ways to help your community. If economic inequities or food waste or public health failures or another issue makes you livid, consider channeling your anger into volunteering with a political campaign promoting policies you support. Turn to a pet shelter, your local garden, or a nonprofit organization. If your time is limited, consider donating even a small amount to a worthy cause.
Positive actions make good use of your anger. And community involvement conveys empathy, which can boost your mood. Spending time with like-minded people also reminds you that you aren’t alone.
5. They recognize that anger is a wise teacher
Since anger often feels terrible, it’s easy to label the emotion as “bad.” Casting anger in this light can spark self-judgment. You might think that feeling outrage makes you an awful person. This belief can hold you back from exploring and understanding the emotion.
Emotionally intelligent people realize that anger isn’t a critic; it’s a teacher. They use tools like self-reflection to deepen their relationship with it. Ask yourself:
“What is my anger trying to tell me right now?” It might be letting you know that something needs to change, for example, or that a relationship no longer works. “Is my anger connected to any wounds from my past?” For example, being mistreated as a child might make you sensitive to slights or rejection now.
When you decipher anger’s message, you can advocate for yourself and make decisions that benefit you. You might end a hurtful friendship, quit a toxic job, or begin therapy to heal old wounds.
Anger is never the enemy. When handled with compassion, it fuels self-growth and helps you flourish.
Dr. Juli Fraga is a licensed psychologist with nearly two decades of experience working with new parents. She is a co-author of the forthcoming book “Parents Have Feelings, Too.” She also teaches workshops for expectant parents at the University of California, San Francisco (UCSF) hospital, where she also supervises psychiatry residents. Follow her on Instagram @parentshavefeelingstoo.
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